Embracing Conflicts as a Pathway to Growth and Harmony

We all hate it when people behave in ways we don’t like or approve of. Is there a better way to handle such behaviors? There is! Read on to find out...

“I hate it when my colleague behaves like this”, my would be client said, with passion.

We all hate it when people behave in ways we don’t like or approve of. We all hate conflicts — or most of us.

I have disliked conflicts for most of my life. I grew up in a household that was adept at resolving the disagreements, we all festered over those. Because of the negative association, I wanted nothing to do with conflicts. I was uncomfortable with them.

But something changed few years ago. A conflict with my manager, when I was able to successfully navigate it, showed me the “rules of the corporate playbook” that I would never have been able to learn and grow from otherwise.

Another example — some uncomfortable and assertive conversations I had with the hiring folks at Uber got me the kind of negotiation results that are rare to witness. My thick shell of conviction about how bad conflicts are for us was beginning to crack. Maybe conflicts are good for us, if we view them the right way?

I have observed the same transformation working with a executives and their teams. A remarkable transformation happens when people engage with conflicts (in a caring environment, which we help create first): Initially, conflicts were seen as hurdles and obstacles that impeded progress. However, the more I engaged with these teams, the clearer it became that conflicts, when approached with the right mindset, could actually be catalysts for outstanding performance and harmony.

In the rest of the article, I want to share three ways to approach conflict that transform them into opportunities, not frustration.

Mindset: The Foundation of Conflict Resolution

Conflict, typically perceived as a negative force, can actually shape us to do our best work. This realization comes with a shift in perspective - viewing conflicts not as obstacles but as opportunities for growth and understanding. It's about changing our mindset to see conflicts differently, much like the perspective on stress. When we see stress as positive, it is helpful, otherwise it is negative. It is even correlated with longevity if we view it as a positive. [1]

We also tend to view interpersonal conflicts as hard — there are other people involved, things are unpredictable, there are emotions involved that are often not rational. There are so many moving pieces. But what I have realized is that once we get the deeper understanding for what conflicts can help us with — the realization that most of what we are looking for in life is on the other side of a conflict — the human relationships (and associated conflicts) can be really simple to work with. Peter Thiel asks this question in his book “Zero to One”: What important truth do very few people agree with you on?” For me, with experience with my own life and from working with people, I can say that that truth is: human relationships are very simple. And this realization starts with the mindset shift: giving ourselves a chance to start to see that human relationships are simple. They are, after all, simply about deeper connection and nothing else. When we shift our mindset in this way, we want to make other people’s lives more wonderful, and that helps us approach conflicts in an empowering way.

Another shift in mindset towards 'slowing down' can be significantly beneficial. Often, we rush to resolve conflicts, forgetting that emotions operate on their own schedule. By embracing a slower pace, and not remaining attached to results on our own timeline, we find that conflicts, while still challenging, become unexpectedly engaging and manageable, and sometimes, even fun.

And finally, adopting a win-win mindset stands as a beacon of sustainable harmony. This approach, rooted in the belief that solutions should benefit all parties involved, is the cornerstone of enduring agreements. The magic of this mindset lies in its longevity; resolutions born from mutual gain are the ones that truly last.

The concept of win-win solutions isn't just theoretical; it's been practically implemented by experts like Chris Voss (FBI hostage negotiator), who have demonstrated that even in the most high-stakes situations, outcomes where everyone wins are not only possible but preferable. However, embracing this mindset requires challenging an often deep-seated misconception: the belief that win-win solutions are a rarity. This belief is a trap, one that can lead us to premature compromises or unnecessary standoffs.

When we approach conflicts with the right mindset and emotions, it empowers us.

Here lies the crux of this philosophy: There are always win-win solutions available. If ever in doubt, it's essential to remind oneself of this fundamental rule. This continuous reinforcement helps in avoiding the trap of thinking that such solutions are unattainable.

But adopting a win-win mindset isn't just about finding common ground; it's also about how we approach these situations. It's crucial to avoid extremes in our roles – neither playing the martyr, sacrificing our needs for others, nor the bully, enforcing our will at the expense of others. The goal is to find a balance, to strive for mutual win. This role, often the most challenging, requires a blend of empathy, assertiveness, and creativity. It's about respecting our needs while acknowledging and valuing the needs of others, paving the way for solutions that are not only fair but also enriching for all involved.

Join me workshop where we will discuss practical strategies to implement some of these insights.

Once we are willing to shift our mindset towards conflicts, it is time to look at the next step — to look for long-term solutions and relationships.

Mastering Your Emotions for Longer Term Relationships

A lot of time, we tend to rush our way towards a resolution to a conflict at hand. And in the process achieve something in the short-term, while destroying a long-term relationship that would have been more beneficial.

In the dance of conflict resolution, the true art lies in valuing long-term relationships over the fleeting triumph of winning or losing. This approach invites us to adopt a wider lens, to see beyond the immediacy of disagreement and understand the deeper currents at play. In this expanded view, patience becomes our most trusted ally, guiding us to unravel solutions with care and time. After all, genuine problem-solving is not a sprint but a marathon, requiring endurance and perseverance.

In the midst of these challenges, metaphors and quotes serve as beacons of hope and opportunity. Consider the poetic wisdom of Leonard Cohen in his song "Anthem," where he sings, “There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” This line (watch on YouTube) reminds us that in the very heart of conflict, in the fissures and fractures of our disagreements, lies the potential for enlightenment and understanding.

It is important to focus on long-term relationships, but it is also important to express your true feelings and needs. In the intricate dance of conflict resolution, the art lies not in stifling our emotions but in articulating them with kindness and clarity. This approach ensures that our feelings are not just voiced but genuinely heard and comprehended. There are two steps to this: We want to craft our words in a manner that encourages listening, creating a space where understanding can flourish. At the same time, it's equally important to privately acknowledge and articulate your feelings, even when they may not contribute constructively to the dialogue at hand. But this part does not have to done with other people in attendance, because it can create more chaos than understanding. This part is important for yourself, so you can truly understand how you are feeling. This ability is a cornerstone in the resolution of conflicts, as it allows emotional expression to aid, rather than obstruct, the journey towards a solution.

The sooner we learn to master our emotions and express them in a kind and productive way, the better it is for our long-term growth — both personally and professionally. As one ascends in their career or personal development, the cost of unchecked emotions escalates. For instance, my own struggle with managing emotions once led me to decline a lucrative million-dollar job offer. I kept pushing my burnout under the rug, and finally I was in such emotionally turmoil that even a million dollar job was not sufficient for me to take the role. Although in hindsight, things worked out very well — I found a profession that is so much better suited for me, but in the moment it was a rather difficult and a costly decision. I have seen similar things working with my executive clients. The higher the climb, the higher the cost of unresolved emotions and conflicts.

We also tend to feel that conflicts would be easier to deal with tomorrow. But that rarely happens. It's important to acknowledge that conflicts don't become simpler over time. In fact, they often grow more challenging, and we almost always wish we had taken care of them in the past.

When are willing to work through our emotions, it is time to look at silver lining in the conflict…

Seeking Positivity in Conflict

When we are in the thick of a conflict, it is hard to see anything but the problem. Often, conflicts can blow out of proportion. Conflict takes a larger than life proportion and we see nothing else. It's common for issues to assume exaggerated significance, leading us into the trap of tunnel vision.

When that happens, it’s crucial to look for the silver lining, to appreciate the positives amidst the conflict. It's important to foster an attitude of appreciation, recognizing and acknowledging what's going right.

When we get tunnel visioned, we procrastinate on dealing with small conflicts, as we want to really come up with airtight arguments in our head. Such procrastination leads to larger conflicts than necessary, and leads to impatience and hasty solutions when conflicts do become evident. Tackling conflicts early is the key to avoiding such deepening of crisis.

It is also useful to have a practice of regularly discuss small conflicts as well appreciations. Instead of solely focusing on resolving problems, make it a practice to openly discuss them. Actively listening to others and being open to understanding different aspects of the issue is key. Such practices avoid the procrastination, and unnecessary headache that results from delayed handling of conflicts.

Addressing smaller conflicts as they arise can prevent larger issues from developing. This approach is reminiscent of the 'broken window theory' [2]—attending to minor issues can often prevent major ones from escalating.

Remember, discomfort in our mind doesn't always equate to criticism. It can also involve expressing positive feelings and appreciations that may be uncomfortable to share. Engaging in these challenging conversations can, surprisingly, become enjoyable and enriching experiences over time.

I used to hate conflicts as I mentioned, but in the last few years, which these shifts, I look forward to disagreements, especially when I am in conversation with people. I know that such discomforts are a window into my own growth and eventually deeper relationship with the other person. And that belief has been strengthened the more I engage in disagreements and conflicts with kindness.

I am hosting a workshop where we will discuss practical strategies to implement some of these insights. I would love to see you there if you want to change your relationship to conflicts.

Thanks for reading,

— Yogi

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[1] Recent research that suggests it has benefits | TED Blog: https://blog.ted.com/could-stress-be-good-for-you-recent-research-that-suggests-it-has-benefits/

[2] Broken windows theory - Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Broken_windows_theory